An Aging Veteran and Fierce Anti-Communist in Colorful Language Expresses His Suspicion of a Fellow Member of the Knights of Columbus

"Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax... You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!" -- Walter Sobchak

If A is B, and B is C, then A is C. This, my friend, is your basic syllogism. Without this syllogism, no logical thinking is possible on this planet. And without logic, our brief sojourn through the twilight of this shadowy exile would be threatened on all sides by the forces of anarchy and fear. If you don't believe me, get on a plane to Jamaica sometime, check into a hotel, rent a car, and when your wife is asleep in the hotel, go off the main roads. Scary. In my humble opinion, amigo, most of the world is just like that---- dirty and dangerous. And the only thing keeping this country from Grade D, latrine-aroma barbarism is the Constitution, the Good Lord, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms. So what you need to recognize first is that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. And second, this being the case, that having a home safe from lawless illiterates with some beer in the fridge and the freedom to piss in the backyard if the situation calls for it is the best thing the Common Man ever had or ever will have. And third---- and third --- that following and enforcing rules and regulations is the only way that a republic of free men, so constituted, will ever endure.

As a God-fearing American, I know you believe this. But I'm starting to get the feeling that your little friend Ricky is not like the other reindeer. He is late to meetings. He comes strolling in with slicked back hair, shiny pants, and designer sunglasses. He doesn't listen to the guest speakers. He just sits there in the back row, his greasy forehead staring down into that little gizmo. There's something wrong with that.

You may know that I fought in the Korean War. And whatever your opinion about the personal demeanor of General Douglas MacArthur, I know we can agree on one thing. That we should have nuked those commie bastards right there and then. Now, I'm not saying that your oriental friend is a fellow-traveler. But you've gotta remember that Deng Xiaoping's "modernization" programs are as covert and effective a propaganda effort as any in history. And all this talk about the Asian tiger always leaves out the fact that the Chinese economic miracle is redder than the devil's pitchfork. V.I. Lenin was a crafty huckster. But suckering the Greatest Country That Ever Was into quote-unquote "favorable trade terms" was a heist that even the architect of the October revolution couldn't have accomplished. So what I'm saying is basically that you never know.

I'm not trying to out anybody, Fred. And I know that Ricky's work here on behalf of the Knights of Columbus has been top-notch. He has a beautiful wife and a sweet family. I often see them in Church. Sweet kids. But could you make sure he gets with the program? We are knights, Catholics and patriots. And this country can't continue if the next generation of immigrants is always trying to Shanghai the system.